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Journal Entry, 16
All of life is a coming home. Picture yourself walking days through the snow you don't even no your walking in circles, your shouts disappearing into the wind, and how small u are and how far away home can really feel..
The stone was all in my mind I found myself in the dark. For I have had lost the right path eventually I will find the right path, but in the most unlikely place.
I have had several jobs none seem to fit, I don't seem to fit. I found myself surrounded by boring going no where. I look around me, and it went on like it did before its like a distinction.
I feel as though I can't fit into the right places and have lost my path and reasons in my life. Becoming suicidal and trying to find myself again I admit myself to Fairfax Hospital psychiatric Ward to find the answers.
As soon as I set foot inside I felt a sick twist in my tummy, couldn't move was scared. Did I really belong here? Was I doing the right thing by putting myself here in my own free will?
As I dragged myself helplessly down the cold corridor towards my room I began to feel a great sadness although somewhat happy. I set foot into my room it was all wired up I turned around I heard the guards turning the lock to the door and walk off, this is where I felt imprisoned, had I done something wrong? Or was it safety reasons I must not be in a room by myself that I wanted. I slowly turned around I see a man sitting on the bed in the corner bouncing up and down cross legged.
Easing the tension I introduce myself as I talk about things in general he starts screams out bloody Mary screams. Start pointing at things in mid air, trying as hell not to be scared holding in my frights I ask what's wrong, "The squirrels are coming to get me"He yells in a state of panic I call the guards they come storming in with there needles I run out of the room puffin in panic as I slightly turn my head around the corner look at that short, bold man lying on the bed while two guards have him pinned down by there knees into his back and shove the needle into the ass. I think to myself is this what its rally all about can I also be this crazy?
Later on that day I discuss my problems with a physiatrist. He sat there pretending he could hear me slowly pouring in his sugar into his coffee making it sweeter, ah maybe another bit of sugar….yup that's the stuff. Glasses drooped down onto his nose in his white coat looking into his notebook thinking he is acknowledging my presence when really he wanted to concentrate on the coffee being so damn sweet. I began describing my tremors I had as a child. My father left me when I was nine and before he left he said he felt as though he lost his soul. The whole time I thought it was me. I looked up no response so staying in my same tone I dwelled into saying if I light my own farts I could fly to the moon. Look up no response, he would look up after silence of about 5 seconds and say yes Hunter your progress is coming along well.
That night while I laid there in my harden squeaky bed form the other side of the room in the darkness Roody was bouncing up and down on the bed. Throwing out my rhythm I ask him what he was making all the noise about he said he needed to go to the toilet, the toilet was 5 feet away. It was the squirrels stopping him he'd say. Hoping out of my bed I tried to tell him that squirrels are harmless creatures right at the bottom of the food chain next to baby chickens and slugs. Not convincing him of the harmlessness he stopped me from talking and told me not to move. He said one was on the corner of my bed. Thinking in desperation if this man is really imagining these things, what if it was possible to imagine I had a gun? Taking out my two fingers making a pistol position I slowly aim at the side of my bed at where he said one of them were.
This went on for a couple of minutes fighting of these squirrels at last he leaped from off his bed and ran towards the toilet. Hearing him pee felt me with such relief. Am I really that good at this? If I put a little happiness into these peoples lives? I connected with another human being; I have never done anything like that as I have tonight. I learn from them I want more of that.
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